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  • Writer's picture1marthasmith

I hadn't realised...

I hadn’t realised that tonight is a big deal. I hadn’t worked out that it was the end of a decade, that it was supposed to be a time of extra reflection. It seems I am supposed to be looking back over the last ten years and posting photos of myself then and now. I might just give that a miss. As per usual, I seem to have been residing on another planet.

Next year will be as challenging as ever but I now have genuine reasons to hope. Life will change radically, and, in the long run, for the better, and I have good, kind, loving people around me to make me laugh and hold my hand through the worst of it. The giant risk that moved me away from my tribe of loyal friends has definitely paid off and I have found new people who share my interests and my passions. I haven’t lost a single one of my friends and all of them have kept in touch, gently lifting me back onto my feet when the going got tough. We've had a hundred triumphs and a hundred set-backs. My children are thriving in their schools and their independence is slowly growing. The parenting challenges remain and they will test me beyond reason but most of the time I can handle it. After a year and a half in the wilderness, I have my own home again and that is more important to me that I can possibly express. In the New Year I also hope to work outside the home once more and be useful to more people than those inside these four walls. Life is opening up.

I haven’t felt positive at New Year for many years, so tonight’s quiet optimism feels a little unsettling. I can’t remember who I was ten years ago although I do remember where I was and that a diagnosis for my son that year had changed everything. I’m not great at looking back but I’m getting better at looking forward. I used to say that I can’t plan much further ahead than the end of next week, and I think to some degree that remains, but the real fear of what lies a little further ahead seems to be subsiding. I have plenty to look forward to. God that sounds good.

So I wish you all every happiness as we step into a new decade. I’m braced and ready for what’s coming over the hill. I think.

Martha x

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